Parent Coaching: The New Way To Nurture Your Children
IT’S NOT EASY, BUT IT’S WORTH IT!
You know, in my previous post I made it sound easy to raise a child in the way my parents chose to. Let me clarify… They went against the grain in raising me. Maybe not against, but they certainly marched to the beat of their own intuition, not the rules of society or the parenting handbook. They did things they “shouldn’t” have done according to the invisible handbook in the sky the tells us how to raise children.
PEOPLE WILL STARE AT YOU LIKE YOU’RE CRAZY, PEOPLE WILL TALK. IGNORE THEM!
Our entire family questioned my folks at one point or another from the very, very beginning. But they saw the way I came to life in the ways they chose to raise me and kept going. That was worth more to them than anything else. And in time, our family and friends saw that I was turning into a pretty darn good self-aware, conscious and connected kid. In fact, those who didn’t have children, wanted kids just like me and those who did wished their kids had the experiences and nourishment I did. I was comfortable in the world and confident in my presence, decisions, and abilities. Why? Because I learned to develop them myself. I wasn’t told what to do, I what asked, I was honored, I was understood. And to this day, I carry this awareness with me.
TO ERROR IS TRULY HUMAN. WHAT YOU DO TO RECOVER IS WHERE THE MAGIC IS
It’s not that my Mom didn’t make mistakes, it’s that her intentions were always love, honor, truth, and confidence in my capabilities of figuring things out. Mom described herself as my guide. She even brought that up this weekend, saying, “I made mistakes, I got mad and said things I shouldn’t have, and forgot things, but I did my best to recover as soon as I’d hurt your feelings.” It’s true, I was a super sensitive kid (I still am) and yet she had built such a strong foundation in our relationship that the moments that she made mistakes, I didn’t internalize it. I knew she was human, she made mistakes like me. What a beautiful way to live.
As for me, I made mistakes too, and when she needed to correct or discipline me, she made it about the action, not about me. It was the action that wasn’t appropriate, not the person. Woah, what a world of difference, right?
HOW DO PARENTS KNOW WHAT KIND OF NURTURING THEIR KIDS NEED FROM THEM?
I’ve asked her how she knew what I needed and she always says, “I just watched and listened to you. I paid attention to how you responded. My goal was always to lift you up. You knew what you wanted and why you were here from the very beginning. It was my job to nurture that, to protect you, and to love you.”
WHAT’S YOUR PARENTING STYLE?
When I asked how she decided on this parenting style she said, “Your Dad and I did everything the opposite of our parents. Everything we didn’t appreciate experiencing growing up, we did the opposite. We wanted you to experience the positive.”
THE BOTTOM LINE
I am in no way the perfect child, but I believe I experienced a pretty incredible childhood that I hope to share with parents who wonder what in the world their child needs, craves, and thinks. I’ve been studying my parents for years asking myself, “Why did they do this, that, and the other.” And to this day I am still absolutely amazed. The goal isn’t to be a perfect parent. It’s not even to be a replica of my parents. Not all kids would respond to the way my parents raised me and not all parents would enjoy this type of relationship either. However, the reason it was so powerful is because it was exactly what I needed. They listened, they honored, and they acted.
YOUR MISSION TODAY:
So today, when you pick your kids up from school, walk by a child on the street, or have the overall ability to positively influence and nurture anyone (fyi: that’s all of us), practice how you want them to feel after having been with you. Did you listen? Were you connected? Did you validate them? Do you know what nurtures them?
You’ll learn within the first 10 minutes, the core values of a person and what they need to feel connected, valued, and nourished. Start tuning into it and watch a literal magical day appear before you.
To All The Love, Listening, and Heart You Can Muster (and then some)…
Lacy
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February 13, 2010 - 4:45 pm
Novel concept, listening to my children!!! One I always seem to be reminded of. Unfortunately, knowing what my kids need doesn’t make giving it to them in their way easy. I have son who is pretty fearful, the exact opposite of me. So dealing with him in his way is very frustrating. I “get” to force him to have new experiences, something I am always excited to do. But (almost) always in the end, he has a great big smile on his face and had fun. Like today, when he fought and fought that he no longer wanted to run in his first race. But I made him show up and participate. He ran and WON! That smile after getting his prize was priceless to me!!
February 16, 2010 - 11:21 pm
Sounds to me like you hear a deeper craving in him to try things, to excel and to do well. He sure is lucky to have a mom who sees opportunities for him to put himself out there and experience life… and even win! You are teaching him valuable skills in a way that he feels validated in having made the decision. You know why he fights back right? Why he rebels and doesn’t want to be put in the spotlight of newness, right? Cause it’s freakin’ scary! Because it means that we might not be perfect, we might not know what’s happening and we also want a little control over our environment. Newness certainly throws all of that out the window. You are going to have one well adjusted young man, Tressa. It’s one thing to force your children to do things for your own accolades and quite another to introduce them to new experiences in a safe environment that they ultimately choose.
I learned something about this very topic from a fantastic book I’ve been reading for the last week (The Happiness Project). The author has two young daughters and has found that simply acknowledging her kids’ frustrations or fears by repeating what they say actually validates their concerns. Something like, “You’re scared. This is new and you don’t know anyone,” would valid your son’s position for example. This works far better than “fixing” or mowing right over their feelings. Most kids find it comforting just to feel heard and that’s enough to keep playing, move on through the day or try something new.