Show Up: Most People Don’t Bite

Open Hands Open Mind Open Heart

Judgment is not Compassion

Last week I concluded my classroom hours to become a certified leader for Oregon Living Well, a chronic disease and stress management support group funded by the State of Oregon and offered by hospitals around the area. Along with 18 other leaders in training spent 4 full days together, sharing our own personal stories that brought us to the training and helping each other to move forward. We were experiencing what it felt like to be in the class as a member of a support group we will someday lead, and as a leader. On the first day of training, it came as a shock to me that I was sitting in a room of people with stories of diabetes, chronic pain, arthritis, and a slew of other circumstances. It occurred to me about 45 minutes into the training that I would have to get real with myself about my own life and my story. I left the training exhausted, but I had decided, “Yes, I am in.” There was something for me to learn here, I just wasn’t entirely sure what.

We cannot sit with someone else if we are incapable of sitting alone with ourselves.

On the second day of our training, I noticed the gentleman who typically arrived late with his motorcycle helmet and sat at the front of the room, walk in. He carried an overwhelmingly strong energy about him on this particular morning and appeared to be in severe pain. I watched him for a few moments and drew my attention elsewhere, then back to him as he struggled to remove his jacket, breathing heavily just to walk from the street to the first conference room inside the building. I even tried to assure myself that, “If you can ride a motorcycle to class, you probably don’t hurt that bad.” I’m not proud, but I definitely thought it. The entire group paid no attention to the obvious elephant in the the room. Did the man have to start gushing blood before we paid him any attention? His pain practically drove through me like a sword. His name is Christian and we hadn’t seen Christian in such bad shape.

Remembering the pep-talk I’d had with myself the night before, I decided I needed to be with others in their pain. Maybe this way I could accept my own. I could do that, right? Remembering back to my own experience, it is one of life’s greatest gifts. I got up, pretending I needed some water, and joined him at the concession area where he was preparing coffee for himself.

Act on Compassion… Most people don’t bite

To avoid the obvious and launch into a happy-go-lucky opener seemed antagonistic, so I said, “Hey Christian. I’d ask how you’re doing this morning, but it looks like its been a rough one.” Christian has a disease that slowly but surely is causing the large joints in his body to freeze. He walks with a shuffle in a slumped over fashion and breathes hard wherever he goes. Every movement is a monumental effort for him and it showed.

Christian looked up at me, stir stick still half in his coffee, relieved that someone noticed. Christian spent a great deal more effort in getting to the training that I, along with many others, that morning. He deserved acknowledgment that his presence was indeed recognized, appreciated, and noticed.

The day before, he arrived late by at least 15 minutes. As he walked in I thought to myself, “How come the rest of us all showed up on time and here you are waltzing in 15 minutes late? You must think your time is more valuable than ours, that you can come and go as you please. I hate it when people do that.” Yes, I really did think that… before I even knew the man! Where was all of this hostility coming from? Sometimes we expect that showing up on time is a requirement for being together in an experience. We expect that everyone has the same things to do to get there and that should it fall outside of the specific meeting time, they are abolished from the group! When in reality, we all live very different lives and require varying things to function in the world.

Seek first to understand…

Christian and I continued talking and I learned that he had recently stopped the steroids he was taking to maintain his mobility and this transition between steroids and new medication was a painful one. He revealed a Catch 22 scenario similar to something I’d experienced before. In addition to his condition, Christian was hit by a car 2 years ago. Remember that motorcycle I’d judged him by earlier? It was his gift to himself when he regained mobility. Hello compassion, where were you on that one? Just because he has a chronic disease doesn’t mean he can’t live a normal life and have fun like the rest of us. Ironic, I thought to myself, I pleaded for that same validation when I was sick, and here I was judging… myself.

We were called to our seats and I wrapped my conversation up with Christian, letting him know that, “If I can do anything to make today better for you, let me know. And thank you for making the effort to be here. I understand it took a lot for you to come and it would’ve been much easier for you to stay in bed, but you didn’t. You add a lot to our group.” He blushed and smiled as he pivoted left, beginning his shuffle to his chair.

He spent the rest of the day adding more to our discussions than he had before. He even chimed in and asked for a different chair to sit in that would provide him more comfort. He looked at me when he asked our coordinator. I took it as a “thank you for validating me.” He didn’t miraculously heal and feel better, but his energy shifted enough from being closed off and angry to opening up and the group responded wonderfully well.

What you deny in others, you deny in yourself

So while I engaged in a seemingly normal conversation at the time, I now understand that in taking the step to talk with Christian and really be with him, I not only honored him, I accepted a small part of my own story, too. Compassion doesn’t get much better than this if you ask me. This leadership training taught me a lot. I have tapes, a binder, and textbook to prove it, but most of what I learned will never be found anywhere inside those materials. I learned that we cannot sit with someone else if we are incapable of sitting alone with ourselves. That even though I think I give people the benefit of the doubt, I still need to watch my self-talk. And that goes for most everything.

Compassion is how we heal

I was reminded that the things I judge in others, I judge myself even more harshly. Why? Why judge at all? Does it really matter that someone shows up 15 minutes late? No. instead of getting huffy, why not ask, as someone finally did, “Did you have trouble with parking?” At which point we learned that the TriMet Light Rail wasn’t running in Christian’s neighborhood due to a power outage and he absolutely did his best to get here as quickly as he could. Did you hear that? He did his best. Isn’t that all we can ask for? Compassion is how we heal from disease, pain, crisis, confusion, anger, fear, or depression. Compassion… Compassion… Compassion…

(source: http://40daysofcompassion.com/2010/03/show-up-most-people-dont-bite/)